I have RE-discovered that I need a lot of attention. …well, not NEED, but WANT a lot of attention or approval. Where does this need stem from? If someone says they love me, and want to be with me, I feel a sense of peace. I’m sure it’s a false sense of peace, but why do I crave that so badly to begin with? What do I have when someone says that to me? I almost feel desperate for those words, but on the outside I try to play cool and calm. I’m sure that desperate feeling just pushes people away, so why do I want it so badly? Is it that I’m not accepting myself? I’m not happy with my life? I have to say that I’m a pretty happy guy. I enjoy people, I enjoy my job, I like how I look, but sometimes I want more. Why do I always want more? Am I EVER going to be satisfied? I learned so much from my last relationship, about forcing a situation that I 
shouldn’t have forced. I tried to force it because I had a major health scare and it threw my world upside down. I thought I was this strong man, and it turned out I was a frightened little boy. I look back and I think wow, I did not have the tools to deal with that. I abandoned my family, my partner, my life I had grown accustomed to all from fear. I think I still have some of that fear and maybe that’s why I want to latch on. A sense of security maybe? I’m starting to realize it’s a false sense of security, so how do I work through this? How do I let go of this need? How do I embrace the uncertainty of life and love? I can hear all my self help guru’s telling me to be in the present moment. Right Derik & Tricia? The present moment doesn’t have any need to be accepted, the present moment is just a moment. And then another…and another… The only thing I can control is my actions and my thoughts. Back to focusing on myself….and It’s not selfish. I have to keep repeating that.
Posted in Spirituality | Tags: need for approval, self acceptance
