I have not written on this blog in over a year.  An entire year of my life has passed without any contributions to this site.  I’m kind of shocked and saddened by that.  I remember when I first started to work on this blog. It was an obsession, a kind of therapy for me to write my feelings and get feedback from the ether of the internet.   I have been keeping a journal fairly regularly, but I drifted away from this medium.  I look back on my posts and I remember how hurt and damaged I was.  How my escape was to write and express my fears and concerns and my joys.  I still have all of those self defeating doubts about myself.  I still feel not “good” enough. Why?  Right now, I don’t feel successful because I am financially strapped.  I look back at the last three years and I think what a waste of money.  How I was so nonchalant about my money and didn’t appreciate it.  I don’t think I did anything overly extravagant like buy a ridiculous car or tons of exorbitant clothes, but I definitely enjoyed food, travel and liked the idea of not having to worry about prices.  I think the down turn in this economy has forced so many people to stop, look and re-evaluate their current circumstances.  For example, when I was in my twenties, I would dream about having a home with my partner and have this fantasy life in a house.   It’s funny when you get your idea, and it’s not quite what you hoped for.  Or you start to realize that living in your dreams keeps you away from the present.  That is one of the trickiest  balances in life I think; focusing on your desires, but remaining present until the desires arrive.  I will never be 100% satisfied. There will always be new goals, new ideas, new passions, new experiences to have….so why is it so important to check off my list?  Wait…that’s not the right intention for what I want to say….hmmmm, I guess what I mean is that I thought doing the house with the picket fence would bring me happiness.  It did, but ultimately it is a house.  The choice to be happy can happen in any circumstance.  That’s what I’ve learned about owning a home and now selling it.  My self worth and ultimately my sense of peace cannot lie outside of me.  It can NOT be outside of me. It is inside that the peace and calm starts.  It’s so easy to buy into the ideas commercials tell us.  I just learned that 70% of our entire economy is based on consumption.  Consume consume consume.  Ok, I can definitely tell I haven’t written in a while.  So many ideas just bursting to get out.  I do enjoy writing.  Transparent right?

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